Jake Spruance ’19
Screen Shot 2017-11-19 at 9.18.49 PM

We all love our state championships, varsity teams, and star players. But what about our international championships, our junior varsity teams, and our gold medalists? Before I go any further, I must make a disclaimer. I’ll admit it, the last article about JV tennis has some false elements in it. I was not entirely truthful, and I now realize that I contributed in the process of spreading fake news. I lied, and now we’ve all paid for it. Hopefully now I can make amends by telling you guys the truth. JV tennis is not going to Singapore in four years time like I had initially specified. I know you’re all very upset and I could not be more sorry for my actions. Instead, the team went to Singapore this summer.

That’s right. No one got to see JV tennis’s dazzling success due to my corruption of the truth. Tower Hill’s very own Men’s Junior Varsity won the Junior Varsity International Championships. After defeating the Albanians and the Romanians, our shining stars made to the finals against the infamous Luxembourgians and blew them away. Clearly, the team was thrilled when they won the match. What follows are some interviews of Tower Hill students that play or have played tennis in the past.

 

Archit Kambhamettu’s transcript lies below:

 

Jake: So Archit what brings you here today?

Archit: You asked me to come here.

Jake: I did? Well I guess I’m glad to see you here. So uh, what’d I ask you to come here for again? I’m sorry my memory is a little hazy.

Archit: You asked me to come here for a tennis interview.

Jake: Oh, so the Singapore thing. Ok. Yeah, so Singapore happened. What are your thoughts?

Archit. What is Singapore? It’s like a country? What happened there?

Jake: The JV tennis championship in Singapore.

Archit: Oh that’s great.

Jake: So what’d you think of the team’s performance?

Archit: I think it was really good.

Jake: So you played tennis at Independence before coming to Tower Hill, how was that?

Archit: It was great! I was fourth court.

Jake: Nice. So how does it feel to transition to this new, famed program? Do you think you’re going to be on JV?

Archit: There’s a possibility I could be on a lower JV court, but probably, you know, a starter on 3rd team.

Jake: Well I’m rooting for you. Hopefully you can get that Singapore spot. What’s your favorite time of day?

Archit: I would say 6:30.

Jake: Why?

Archit: Because it’s in the evening but the sun is usually setting so it’s not completely dark.

 

Archit looks like a great new prospect for the JV tennis team here at Tower Hill. It appeared to me that he was really committed to tennis and willing to take on the challenges presented in our JV program. No pressure, though. I’m sure he’ll do great on whichever team he ends up on. Ok, let’s resume.

 

What follows is a transcript from ex-varsity tennis star Malcolm Johnson.  

 

Malcolm: Can I not say curse words?

Jake: Why would I make you say a curse word?

Malcolm: Am I not allowed?

Jake: No, you’re good, we can just bleep it out. So the JV tennis team went to Singapore this summer, did you hear about this?

Malcolm: No they didn’t

Jake: Yeah they did

Malcolm: No they did not! That’s just a lie. You’re just lying to me.

Jake: Yeah they did! June 20-23 they were in Singapore for the JV tennis international championships.

Malcolm: Our JV tennis team. What? What? What?

Jake: It was all over the news. There was an article about it last year…

Malcolm: (laughing) Stop lying. Just shut up. You’re just lying to me in your interview and I don’t understand why.

Jake: There was a newscast, there was an article…

Malcolm: Ok. Say I accept the hypothetical idea that JV tennis went to Singapore. Let us continue.

Jake: So what were your emotions when you heard they were going to Singapore?

Malcolm: Well, you know, I was in complete disbelief. That’s just an incredible opportunity that I did not think was bestowed upon JV tennis players in this community. Wow.

Jake: Did you hear that they all won gold medals?

(Malcolm attempts to leave)

Jake: Ok Malcolm don’t leave on me! I have one more question for the end. If you could speak to any animal that you wanted to what would it be and why.

Malcolm: A pterodactyl because I look like a pterodactyl.

Jake: (Incredulous) You would speak to an animal that’s extinct?

Malcolm: I could learn about the pterodactyl and in doing that I could learn about myself. I’m trying to give you creative answers I don’t know what you want from me, Jake. Any animal? Bumblebees are pretty interesting. They must be pretty upset when people just come and take their honey. I would love to know what they think about that.

Jake: Thank you.

I’m not going to lie, I was a little shocked to see how skeptical Malcolm was of the JV tennis team’s ventures. Hopefully you, the readers, still believe me. I am a member of JV tennis myself, and I can personally vouch that the trip was pretty darn neat.

 

However, I don’t really want to interview myself on the matter, so here’s a glimpse inside the Singapore championship with one of our veterans, Thomas Zehner.

 

Jake: So Thomas, you were on the JV tennis team last year and you went to Singapore. How was the trip?

Thomas: It was really good. We got to eat a lot of Asian cuisine there which was really important to me. I think that was a big part of my experience.

Jake: So how did the team do against its competitors? I got to watch the games against Turkey but I didn’t get to see how they did against the Romanians.

Thomas: The Romanians have one of the best JV tennis teams in the world. Also, the people from Albania were really good. They played dirty too. They’d shoot body shots, which Americans don’t really do. We don’t try and hurt the other teams, at least not Tower Hill.

Jake: That’s scary

Thomas: But all of us won. None of us conceded a single point in the entire tournament.

Jake: Whoa! Even against Luxembourg?

Thomas: Actually someone did lose a point against Luxembourg and Coach Watson got a little mad.

Jake: What did coach do?

Thomas: He flipped out and attacked the ref, you know that sort of stuff.

Jake: What’d he hit the ref with?

Thomas: His cooler full of rice krispies. It was pretty horrific to watch.

Jake: If you had to pick, what would be your favorite thing to wear on your head that’s not a hat?

Thomas: A wicker basket so I can see through. It’s really good because it protects me from the elements, you know?

Jake: That’s cool. Well thank you for your interview here.

 

Whoa, what a crazy story! That ref must have had a really bad call because Coach Watson really is one of the kindest souls on this Earth. For real. I’m not kidding at all. I am not fibbing right now. I’m serious. If there was a Nobel Kindness Prize, he would have more than one. Dead serious. I cannot stress enough how nice and compassionate he is. Coach Buckworth too. Actually, I’m going to end the article right here.

I want to give thanks to these two great coaches of the JV tennis team. Without them, our JV tennis team would not be the same. It is the coaches that make the players so great. Their never ending support, kindness, and good humor is unparalleled, and they truly do teach players to love tennis. Maybe I’m being overly dramatic, but this is how I feel. Thank you, Coach Watson and Coach Buckworth, and I cannot wait until next season.