Jake Spruance ’19

*onion-esque article*

HOCKESSIN, DE — November 21, some time in the afternoon, local boy Billy Korowitz fell down a well at his grandmother’s house. “I had been trying to jump between the roof and the stone base, just like the parkour athletes do in the YouTube videos I watch all the time,” said little Billy when we were interviewing him from the top of the well.  “I really thought I could make it,” he continued, “because all of those other guys always do it and make it look so cool. I turns out, you know, since I have a bad leg from the last time I tried jumping off of that wall at Rockford, that I couldn’t quite make the jump.” Indeed, this boy with a death wish had previously attempted to execute a “very high” jump off of a wall at Rockford Park, but ended up landing on the camera which was supposed to be recording him. “I guess I don’t have the best hand-eye coordination,” he admitted, “but I still want to be a great parkour athlete. It’s a life skill. You never know when you’ll need to jump off of a wall like that.”

The journalists at The Rubble agree: you never do know when you’ll need to jump off of a wall like that. So, when Bill was discovered in his grandmother’s well yesterday afternoon, we were less than surprised. When asked why he refused to leave, Bill explained, “I think now that I’m stuck in this position, I can really focus on my training a lot more. Before, it was me trying to improve an unnecessary skill, but now I can focus on this as if it were really important.” Such wisdom coming from such an ill-advised child.  It really makes you think back to the nature of the human race. Why are humans all so bad at riding segways? Because they exist for seemingly no reason (seriously, just walk or get a bike). The only way that people ever thrive at anything is because of necessity. When firefighters tried to rescue Bill, he replied, “No, thank you. I’m trying to be the best jumper in the world. I’m going to jump out of here.” It’s not everyday that a person sacrifices himself for something that he loves. Watch out parkour world, Bill Korowitz is coming!*

*Note: As the above may have troubled some of our readers, Bill has since been removed from the well at the request of his grandmother. He continues to jump very high each and every day.