Last Thursday, I sat in the Rubble meeting at lunch. I was quickly tasked by one of our two fearless leaders, Neil Godbole, to write an article to bring up the student body’s spirit. I knew I had to write a satirical article, but what would I write it about? I had no idea, and I continued to have no idea up until 12:00 am on November 13th. At midnight, I decided I needed to inspire myself, so I packed up a backpack with a notepad, and at least three bottles of Red-Bull (I can’t remember exactly how many, but it doesn’t matter). I busted out my front door and ran to the Philadelphia International Airport. I purchased a ticket to the Amazon Rainforest and boarded a biplane which would drop me directly over the center of the rainforest.
Three hours later, I was given a parachute by the pilot, whose name was something I cannot exactly remember, so I’ll just refer to him as Dopey (he fell in and out of sleep during the entire flight, so I piloted the plane for roughly half of the journey). Dopey proceeded to give me instructions on how to land using the parachute, but he fell asleep at the controls, and I fell off of the plane. I pulled all of the cords on the parachute, yet for some reason, only one of them actually did something. (Who designs parachutes? like seriously, just put one cord on there so that people know exactly how to not die.) But, back to my quest for inspiration, I landed in the middle of the rainforest, with only myself and a pocketknife I had in my pocket, to survive. I had brought food but left it on the biplane, which by now was somewhere over the Pacific or in a heaping wreck on the other side of the rainforest. So, I decided to become “one with nature,” as they say. I tore up my clothes and formed a spear out of a nearby rock. Then, I hunted for the only thing I knew was in the Amazonian rainforest: the Giant Anteater. However, luck was not in my favor, so I stopped by a Wendy’s that was about two miles west of me. After finishing my Whopper and Chicken McNuggets, I returned to the center of the rainforest and decided I must find shelter as it was around 12:00 pm, and the sky was becoming darker. I constructed a hammock out of some massive leaves and built a water reservoir out of bamboo I found lying near my campsite. Eventually, night came and I crawled under the covers of my bed for a good night’s sleep.
The next day, I embarked up-river. I had built a canoe the previous night and decided to locate some gorillas. Eventually, I reached a massive temple which I knew had been constructed by the gorilla tribe known as the Hominidae just 2000 years prior to my arrival. I enter the elegant structure before being greeted by four, rather brooding gorillas who introduced themselves as Tilinias, Bifornius, Frinturius, and Tom. They led me to their leader, the great, and almighty Lord HooHa. The almighty HooHa, adorned in golden robes, hopped down from his throne that sat high above the rest of the tribe (I guess he wanted to assert his dominance). HooHa approached me slowly, his mighty fists shaking the group below me. Finally, he stood within 2 inches of me, his minty breath just reaching my nostrils. Suddenly, he bellowed “Let the boy eat!” I was quickly lifted up by the tribe and taken to a large, ornate dining room, where I was given every accommodation I could have asked for. They let me stay there for what felt like over a year, but was actually just two hours, with my night’s sleep not being a night’s sleep at all and instead a nap I took when it seemed like it was getting dark. I left the Hominidae tribe on November 13th, 2016, around 7:00 pm, and returned home in time to finish my homework. My quest for inspiration probably sounds fantastical and almost unbelievable, but it was amazing. However, the time I spent living with the Hominidae tribe gave me little in the way of ideas for a satirical article for the Rubble. Also, I forgot my toothbrush.